i give up because i feel like i cant go on anymore, i feel like i dont want to go on, i give into the angst at that moment that makes me want to stop whether it be pain= physically, emotional, or mentally, i allow it to consume me and i give in to it. These always being one and the same excuses to stop and get to a comfortable space again in the system bubble that we have become, so i can feel nice for a moment and allow self to separate from the whole, allow self to abandon itself. Now this sounds irrational and not smart, but when i allow myself to fall in this trap of giving up i also allow the consequences of this which is apathy. I don't want to realize and see what giving up means i am giving up on myself and i will be directly responsible for that which i have given up on. I am responsible for the destruction of mySelf because i did not want to do what was necessary to get done based on reasons that are illusionary and not founded if investigated and looked at in honesty. Self honesty and the physical are extremely important to stopping this desire to give up. The physical is here as i am here and a place where always i am, i am founded on the physical plane so its’ common sense to stick to what is real. I am realizing the place to be is here in the physical, mind is untrustworthy, the truth self evident, it’s up to self to live this here for real, this requires self will.
Those who are determined and strong willed will persevere and go and reach their destination and never give up, will equalize with the truth as the reality that is here and create what is best for all as all is self. This implies that they have followed all set principles and tools that was in front of them and accomplished them in truth. All know within if u are being truthful or not in ur pursuit so it is a will of self to not give in and push to the end. I myself am one who has been easily deterred and gives up on things i am not passionate about. But when i am willing and know what i have to do to reach an end for myself i do what it takes which has always been within the starting point of me myself and i (self interest). I did not get there in a straight path but windy and usually traumatic. I gave up usually based on self comforting and giving into my experience, allowing outside influences to detract and accept the necessary consequences because i believed that i am tired or not able to do something. Allowing myself to give in and give up to my desires, fears, emotions, thoughts = mind possessions.
What made the giving up so appealing to me was I always had places i could fall back on or hide within myself to show myself that i can give up and still be ok, but in essence only being dishonest within. Accepting defeat and separation of what is here and happening to humanity because i did not want to do it, i didn’t push myself. This is something within process that i am finding i am constantly challenged by and continuing to push, I always have to be present and aware as not to fall back into these patterns of going into auto pilot and allowing my desires to reign control. I stop and do not accept myself to fall into oblivion while what is here is suffering as all are able to stop and change, but each one has to do it individually, this is the test of self will and who i am here? will i live as life or fall in regret? I am life regret is not real, i walk until this is done. (period)
To show an example of my pattern of giving up, here is one, I have had a requirement in school to take a math placement test to allow me to get in the necessary math class so i can complete my graduation requirements and be done with college. I have taken it three times and failed, where i did not properly prepare for any one of the test because i had given up on math as a subject that i did not desire to do. I did not care to learn it and i will not put forth the effort because i, in self interest only, do not want to do it. Within this excuse, always falling back on the path of, ‘i can do it next semester’ ‘i can take it later’, allowing laziness and procrastination to direct me in this point. Always, within this i end at the critical boiling point, where there is no time left, and i either do it or not and fail to get what is needed to move forward, making it that much more difficult for myself. Now, this is how i operated within my life, when it came to the critical time i pulled through and did what i had to do, but always creating much more work and unnecessary strain on myself where i could of just done it properly to begin with, stayed within principles and actually lived them as self. I am someone that had to do it the hard and roundabout way because i did not care to apply myself in things that i did not want to do, i was not principled in what was best for all as i am here but lived in personality only for me, myself and i (self interest).
WIthin the process that i am participating in to become equal to what is here as the physical, I realize that i have to equalize myself with those in power to have an effect of change that will count, so I am finishing my degree this fall to place myself in a position where i can be effective on a bigger system scale. Meaning having a bachelors degree as most jobs require this to be considered especially in positions of power, it makes it easier in a sense to get your foot in the door. I am taking the math test this week, where I have been properly studying. I realize that it is what it is as the material to study, i make it more difficult when i allow the thoughts of laziness and giving up to direct me, i stop this pattern and understand that i am here and i study what is needed to study and i take the math test when i have learned it effectively. I stop the thoughts of im tired, this is boring, i am not getting this, i cant do it.....no i stop all thoughts, sit down, breath and study until i understand. Its as simple as that. I am here, i move me, i study, i learn effectively as to be equal with the test, i take test.
Another class i am taking is a study of 3rd world development, which i am very interested in as well as seeing how equal money will be accepted within discussion and papers as i will always be pushing these points and open up for discussion, i will report on this as it comes. One more is guitar lesson which will be cool as i enjoy music and playing it. Thats it for now, thanks!
